Please Accept My Apology

I can't seem to watch any happy and heartwarming shows without crying. I'm so envious of the people's laughter and smiles... they're so beautiful to look at.

I couldn't smile a lot recently. I don't know how many sighs I sigh within a day... how many teardrops I shed every night... I feel so useless and helpless... I couldn't paint and my full support I gave to the person I love most is useless. 

And it hurts me  so much... 

I never felt so lonely since I was still in high school... I don't want to hurt this way... I don't want to be this vulnerable... I am one of the bravest women you'll ever meet... but... I can't contain my feelings. 

Maybe I can be a girl right now... May I?...

I also get hurt... I got a lot of bruises right now... and I have a lot of nasty wounds physically and emotionally but I endure it... but when it comes to the people I love... my shield disappears and I become this pathetic person...

I couldn't hate them and I don't want to blame them... so instead, I blame myself for existing in their lives... I blame myself for how useless I am or I was to them...

I couldn't sleep every night just to think of a way on how to be useful to them somehow... on how I could make them smile, laugh and take away their worries for a while.

But most of the times, I only make them go away... I only make them feel uncomfortable to the extent that they'll get angry at me or be freaked out by me...

I can only do white lies but I really couldn't lie... it will only hurt the people I love. I can only keep secrets and I couldn't really express myself verbally... I can only express my true intentions by writing long letters... I can do it verbally but only to the people I trust.

I have trust issues...

I consider my closest friends as my family... I love them so dearly in a way that I somewhat strangle them with my love and care... 

Because I don't want them to feel the hell I've gone to...

Because everyone deserves to loved... 

... But I think I am only a hindrance or a boulder in their way....

I am so sorry, guys... I love you all too much.

I'm so sorry... 

Please forgive me...

Pain and Painting

I had an accident last Monday and because of that I couldn't paint and go out the house for a week or so.

My left thigh is bruised and my left hand (which is my dominant hand) is wounded -- ugh! I don't really know what to do without painting. I tried to draw but the wound hurts while drawing... It's so irritating! D8

I HATE THIS!

I feel so helpless...

Everything seems to be spiraling downward...  It's so depressing. I feel like I've been suddenly woken up and ended up not really waking up. I can't really explain it... *sighs*

I also feel betrayed by a person whom I thought was different from the people I've met before ... that this person wouldn't hurt me... that this person wouldn't want me to cry... AGAIN. It hurts to trust someone who all the while didn't really treat you the way he told you to... but what hurts the most is that you still can able to love this person unconditionally though you know this person is mean, rude and a coward.

Did you ever have gut feeling that you've been lied to? And when this person lies, this person's words doesn't hurt as much as the truth hurts? I had... and I think I am right until now...

... I just wish this person would know about the things he should know without consulting other people. This person should just listen to both his heart and mind and be a man for once.

... And I'm giving him all the chances in the world but when I give up on trying, there is no turning back. I also wish this person would realize how important I am in his life and that I am not a bad person... and that I wouldn't hurt this person's heart...

My mind is so clouded right now and I just want someone to hug me tight... and if it's okay for him/her, I would cry on his/her shoulder... I'm just to depressed when I'm not painting...

Painting is my passion.

My left hand is my instrument.

Without those two, I might go cuckoo...

Gaaah!

*sighs*

Solo Art Exhibit

I have been so busy painting that I couldn't even write a blog post, and I'm so sorry for that. T _ T

I have been depressed for quite some time and the only thing that keeps me sane is painting and the thought of the people who believes in me and that one certain person whom I love so selflessly (and who is also my muse).

My Mom and I decided to have a solo art exhibit this year and we both think that it's the perfect time to do this because I am quite inspired most especially when I am somewhat depressed and happy at the same time.

I believe I'm doing good and I'm finally enjoying painting once again. So many things also changed not just my art mood but even my personality as well. I have become calmer and I don't overthink that much unlike before.

... And I'm glad for that. It has been ages when my mind shut up. Haha!

Here are the things I'm doing. WIPs but hey! I'm happy with all of them. :D